Another Friday Night Snoozer (Round 14 – Welcome To Splitsville)

Clarko tries to fire up his boys but it’s clear that they are all on holiday and nobody is listening to him…Crawf is just sleeping with his eyes open!

Well, we haven’t had much luck with Friday Night Football the past two weeks. Last Friday was the St Kilda-Fremantle stinkfest and last night’s Hawthorn-West Coast game was not much better. It was clear that most of the players were just counting down the minutes until their mid-season break kicked in…it was played with the intensity of a Melbourne office worker the day before they head off for three weeks holiday in Queensland!The footballing equivalent of cleaning your desk a dozen times and shuffling pens until five o’clock!

The Hawks just went through the motions, relying on the occasional efforts of Buddy Franklin and Jarryd Roughead to ensure a comfortable win. Alastair Clarkson will have been pleased to get to the break with just two losses though he can’t seem to keep his players from hurting themselves.

John Worsfold, on the other hand, seemed pleased with the effort of his players to lose a shit-boring game by ten goals! That is not the Worsfold we all know and loathe…

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SATURDAY

Brendan Fevola is hoping to finalise his new contract with Carlton during the split round…then he might be able to afford some dental work!

MCG, Melbourne - 2:10pm (local): Richmond v Carlton (FOX)

• These two teams may not get a run during the AFL’s rivalry round but there is a long history of hatred between Richmond and Carlton.
• This must be an important game…Brett Ratten is going the ’season-defining’ route while Terry Wallace is drawing lines in the sand!
• Richo says he is ready to fire on the big stage…but he better look out because Carlton have a couple of options to stop him! But are they legal?
• Sure, footy is a team game…but is it too late to change our tip? Because the Blues will have to make do without the great Chris Judd!
• Fev may kick a lot of goals but he needs some help if the Blues wants to win more games…shame they won’t be able to afford to buy some help once Fev gets his new contract!

…

Nick Riewoldt will stay on the Gold Coast during his break…just getting a feel for his new footballing home in 2011!

Gold Coast Stadium, Gold Coast - 7:10pm (local): North Melbourne v St Kilda (TEN)

• St Kilda are counting on a slight home ground advantage due to the fact that the locals aren’t that keen on North Melbourne any more!
• But the Roos are fine with that…in fact, they think that all their players will not be that keen to head to the Gold Coast now! Well, except for Schoolies Week…
• Do you play footy? Did you grow up on the Gold Coast? Well, GC17 will be interested in you so Nick Riewoldt shouldn’t be surprised when he is asked about it. And nor should David Hale!
• Footy is a simple game. Dean Laidley wants to keep it that way. That’s why he has reached into his trusty bag of boring-ass footy cliches this week!
• The Saints will hope that the reinstatement of Nick Dal Santo and Steven Milne will provide style and substance to their team. Well, Dal Santo can bring the style…but what will Milne provide apart from severe frustration?

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Port Adelaide players love frolicking at the beach during the split round break…they build sand castles and Warren Tredrea dresses up like Pamela Anderson in Baywatch and pretends to rescue his teammates. What fun!

TIO Stadium, Darwin - 7:10pm (local): Western Bulldogs v Port Adelaide (FOX)

• The Dogs have been acclimatising for the big game in the Top End by cranking up the oil heater in Brian Lake’s lounge room and just hanging out…
• With Port not expected to try this weekend, the Dogs have already endured their biggest test…the flight to Darwin!
• Veteran on-baller Scott West has suffered another injury setback and would prefer his coach to not be so relaxed about his absence from the team!
• Port Adelaide have given up on this season and will now tank focus on 2009…and this might include a thorough review into what the heck is going wrong with them!
• Or maybe the review has started already…some big name players have been left behind this weekend and the chief executive has just quit!

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SUNDAY

Brock McLean will be threatening to crush young school children with his massive arms unless they sign up as members during the break. The kids are not impressed…

MCG, Melbourne – 1:10pm (local): Melbourne v Brisbane (FOX)

• Will the Melbourne supporters get out and buy memberships this Sunday to help out the club? We suspect that a lot of them are already on their mid-season break…and have been since round four!
• Jeff White has been dropped from the team…though it hardly seems like a punishment when the guy now gets two weeks off!
• The Dees will play a former basketballer on Jono Brown in his AFL debut…he might need to do the footy equivalent of Hack-a-Shaq to stop Browny kicking ten goals!
• Nice try Leigh but nothing you can say will make us think the Demons are any sort of threat in this match!
• The Lions have tasted success but also managed to draft well at the same time…as if Melbourne’s season could not get more miserable, now they are just rubbing it in!

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It seems those orange boots are a massive hit with the ladies! Kyle Reimers will spend his break picking up many famous single women…he has even recruited Jay Nash to help keep up with demand!!

Subiaco, Perth – 2:40pm (local): Fremantle v Essendon (FOX)

• Mark Harvey threatened to cancel everybody’s break if they didn’t perform this week…so Jeff Farmer went on holiday early. He probably figured that he wouldn’t perform anyway (because he sucks) so had nothing to lose!
• Harvey also revealed that Matthew Lloyd and Scott Lucas should expect the unexpected…what, will they line up in the goal square against Peter Bell and Josh Carr? Come on, they are playing Fremantle…the unexpected is just normal for them!
• Former Bomber Mark Johnson can finally put that Matty Knights voodoo doll away…playing his 200th game will give him closure on his departure from Windy Hill.
• It’s kinda like an Essendon derby with the number of ex-Bombers now at Freo…and Knights is a bit worried about the leak of inside information. Well, we doubt that Kepler Bradley would provide much…there’s no way he was listening in at team meetings!