With Fev gone, how could we possibly go on?

200 posts, multiple images of footballers cuddling each other, 40-odd references to Stephen Milne being a twerp (would have liked more…a bit disappointed!), numerous emails from pre-Twilight tweenies telling me off for making fun of Dale Thomas, a handful of readers, three years, one blog…no more!!!

Dale Thomas could win ten premierships in his career…but this is how I will always remember him!

That’s right…Half Back Flanker is now officially done. Though honestly, it has been ‘unofficially’ done for almost eighteen months now…since before Brendan Fevola was shipped out of Carlton to join the Brisbane Lions. Say, I wonder whatever happened to that guy?

Ohhhh…forget I ever asked.

But don’t be sad that it’s all over…and don’t be too overjoyed either! Because the tradition of light-hearted football analysis and scarcely-relevant observations will continue this year with a shiny, new blog under a different name. In fact, it’s up and running as of right now! See you there?

Looks like Half Back Flanker picked the perfect time to take an entire season away from blogging! Imagine spending all those cold, wintery months documenting the football season, watching you own beloved club self-destruct in an entirely non-Essendon way, then having to sing the praises of the premiership winning…gulp…Magpies? Ewwwwwww!!

But the year 2010 is all over now, right? So it’s safe to come out? Yes – finally, with the dawn of 2011, we no longer exist in a Collingwood premiership year! Not that it was a completely soul-destroying experience; to be fair the Pies were the best team all year and fully deserved to be AFL premiers.

Plus they combined with St Kilda to produce an all-time classic grand final that fulfilled the expectations of footy fans like me who didn’t particularly want either team to be the premiers! We got a great game to watch, plenty of drama, Goddard’s hanger, and in the end neither team actually won and both sets of players and supporters were left totally dumbfounded. For mine, it was the perfect finish!

Of course, they had to go ruin everything by staging a grand final replay…and you all know what happened there! So let’s not talk of it ever again, ok? Besides, the upcoming AFL season promises to be all kinds of fun…provided it doesn’t end in back-to-back flags, of course.

Remember that cozy little sixteen team national competition we have grown to love and/or loathe over the years? Well, it’s over. Done. Gawn!!! Gary Ablett and his Gold Coast Suns will crash the AFL party in 2011 and the spectre of Sheedy and his Greater Western Sydney Giants looms large as we hurtle towards a shiny new eighteen team comp in 2012.

So with all this newness about to happen, maybe it’s time to bring Half Back Flanker to an official end (well overdue too…it has been sixteen months since the last post!) and start afresh with a new blog in 2011. Relaunch, upgrade, same shit-different wrapper…call it what you will. Actually the shit/wrapper cliche will probably be spot on!

But sometime during the next month, we will have ourselves a brand new footy blog. And having flirted with Twitter during 2010, will look to make more use of this social media rather than trying to churn out massive posts every day or two…so a little less bloggy, a lot more tweety!

So thanks for reading this one…it was fun while it lasted. See you at the next one!

I know it’s emotional Lenny but this blog is over now…you have to let it go! A new one on the way so quit screaming!!

Wow – Geelong are good at this cup-lifting thing! Looks like they’ve done it before…

Holy crap – what a day! A massive audience, a classic match and even the pre-match entertainment didn’t totally suck…well, until the Jersey Boys got involved! Yep, a limp-as-a-lettuce-leaf rendition of the national anthem – won’t that inspire to football masses to buy tickets to their crappy stage show!

Chappy deservedly wins Norm…just don’t ask me how he did it!

Anyway, back to the footy and on a wet, cold day at the ‘G, it was Geelong that found their way to the front when it mattered to win a second flag in three seasons. On the verge of two straight grand final catastrophes, the Cats scored three goals to nil in the final term to earn the ultimate reward for their sustained excellence and become a truly great outfit. Look out, Lions!

How would it feel to lead most of the way in a Grand Final and lose? Lenny Hayes pretty much sums it up…

One of these teams was always going to feel unfortunate to miss out on the great prize. Few could have predicted just how devastating defeat would become for the Saints…particularly when things quite easily could have gone their way had they capitalised on their opportunities early.

Broken collarbone, busted nose, dream destroyed…hard to imagine anybody feeling worse than Brendon Goddard must have after the siren!

If there is any consolation for the St Kilda faithful, it seems to lie with the hard-line stance of the coach looking to ensure his club strives to improve and bounce back in 2010. The popular Max Hudghton won’t be back but it will be interesting to see if anybody else joins him on the sidelines…like little twerp goal sneaks who wear number 44, for example.

Max Rooke claims himself some new wheels…might come in handy this week during the celebrations! Wonder if his psychic told him about this as well?

But enough HBF-style hardcore analysis…it’s time to wind down after a long season that again defied all expectations (and defied logic at certain stages) and let our collective hairs down! Then, maybe, we can start worrying about who will be the team to beat in 2010. Until then, may all your Mondays be Mad and your blondes a little better looking than this one!

We will now briefly focus on a football game before returning you to your regularly scheduled programming…which, apparently, is this guy!

Relax, people! Once Saturday’s game is over, we can go back to the main reason we all follow the game…what stupid Brendan Fevola up to now and what EVERYBODY ELSE thinks about it! Or maybe you’ve had enough of Fev and would prefer to talk about trades – where Shaun Burgoyne thinks he is going or where Brock McLean says he is going.

Perhaps you are stunned that Marty Clarke is choosing to go home or that Matthew Lloyd is choosing to stay home. But for now, the 2009 AFL Grand Final needs to take centre stage so you’ll just have to make do with that…

Not a bad consolation though…the two best teams in the comp are virtually at full strength (sorry Max fans!) and primed to present us with a fitting finale to the footy season. It’s going to be entertaining day and a great spectacle but, please, remember to behave appropriately. You don’t want to end up like Stupid Fevola (that is, a big blokey legend!), do you?

…

ST KILDA SAINTS

The secret to St Kilda’s success? Not catching swine flu from the filthy, germ-infested masses!

The dominant team of 2009 but not a clear favourite… a lack of respect or is this just history talking?

The Team
B: Jason Blake, Zac Dawson, Steven Baker
HB: Brendon Goddard, Sam Fisher, Sam Gilbert
C: Farren Ray, Lenny Hayes, Nick Dal Santo
HF: Andrew McQualter, Justin Koschitzke, Clint Jones
F: Stephen Milne, Nick Riewoldt, Jason Gram
Foll: Steven King, Leigh Montagna, Adam Schneider
I/C: Luke Ball, Raphael Clarke, Sean Dempster, Michael Gardiner
Emg: David Armitage, Jarryn Geary, James Gwilt

In: Dempster
Out: Robert Eddy

• Captain Nick Riewoldt has had a little knee trouble of late but he won’t let that stop him leading his side to victory on Saturday…
• But St Kilda are not all about Riewoldt; he’s just one player in a team of 22 capable Saints! Nice try, Nick – you’re a freakin’ star and if your knee is no good, the Saints are in trouble.
• Either way, Justin Koschitzke needs to step up with a few goals to help his skipper out. He won’t find it easy though…not with Matty Scarlett waiting for him!
• Young Saint Clint Jones will be handed the worst job in footy – stopping the reigning Brownlow Medallist! Funny, I thought the worst job in footy would be Fev’s designated driver. Try telling him it’s time to go home when he’s had a skin full!
• Coach Ross Lyon is predicting a brutal encounter…not that bold a prediction by any stretch; this is a grand final after all. But Lyon better be right!
• Lyon also doesn’t think that the crappy weather forecast will be a factor either…well, it will be for my grand final day barbie!!!
• Saints fans are more than a little excited, thinking this might be their first flag since ’66. They all flocked to training at Moorabbin during the week…will they all be back celebrating on Sunday morning?

…

GEELONG CATS

The secret to Geelong’s success? Police arresting anybody that goes within one metre of Gary Ablett!

The Team
B: Darren Milburn, Matthew Scarlett, Corey Enright
HB: Tom Harley, Harry Taylor, Andrew Mackie
C: Joel Corey, Cameron Ling, James Kelly
HF: Jimmy Bartel, Cameron Mooney, Steve Johnson
F: Travis Varcoe, Tom Hawkins, Paul Chapman
Foll: Mark Blake, Joel Selwood, Gary Ablett
I/C: Brad Ottens, Shannon Byrnes, Max Rooke, David Wojcinski
Emg: Shane Mumford, Simon Hogan, Mathew Stokes

No change

• Coach Mark Thompson thinks that Gary Ablett will feel less pressure and be more relaxed having finally won the Brownlow…that’s bad news for Clint Jones!
• But what are they going to do about Riewoldt? Nothing special, apparently…if I was a Cats supporter, I’d be a little concerned about that!
• You know that Cameron Ling will take on the elite midfielder from the opposition, looks like Lenny Hayes will be the man.
• With the likelihood of slippery conditions, it could be a record setting day for Joel Selwood. He might receive the most free kicks in AFL history for head high contact in a single game!
• The ‘unlucky Geelong bastard in grand final week’ award for 2009 goes to…Matthew Stokes! He’s doing his best to take it well but it can’t be easy.
• Brad Ottens thought his number was up when he injured his knee in round two? Come on, Otto…knee injuries suck but they are generally not life-threatening! Your number won’t be up for at least another 50 years…
• The Cats are in complete denial about what happened in the 2008 decider. Nice idea but apart from Tom Harley, who was KO’d in that game, the players will never forget that loss. Will it affect them if things get tight on Saturday?

…

So…who wins this bloody thing? St Kilda made the one team change but it will not result in a fairytale send-off for stalwart Max Hudghton. Geelong are unchanged but have sterner opposition compared to last week. Hard to predict a winner with any great confidence; hence the call of a draw’ being quite popular.

For me, the deciding factor is simple…and probably a touch immature, but oh well. I just don’t want to see Stephen Milne win a grand final. The thought of that little twerp receiving a premiership medallion and whooping it up would ruin my entire year.

For the love of God, do not let this twerp win a premiership!

If St Kilda did win and for whatever reason; concussion,  injury, diarrhoea; Milne was not involved at the end, I could live with that. If they could vote him off the podium and replace him with Robert Harvey, even better. But please Geelong..do not let this twerp win!!!

CATS by 22

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For just a split second, Adam Cooney made Gary Ablett wonder whether winning the medal was worth it…

He has been the best player in the competition for the past three seasons but, finally, Gary Ablett has a Brownlow Medal to his name. After being pipped at the post in 2007 and 2008, the Geelong midfielder led from the opening game and had the award all wrapped up with two rounds left to count.

The ending may have lacked the drama of previous seasons but having watched a clearly nervous Gazza watch on helplessly as less-favoured (but still deserving!) players took the honour two years running, it was more a sense of relief once the result was beyond doubt.

He’s been crapping his daks about making a Brownlow speech for three years, now that time had come…

As expected, a number of St Kilda players polled very strongly, as did many of Gary’s teammates. Carlton’s Chris Judd finished second while Lions pair Simon Black and Jonathan Brown each picked up 19 votes. As usual, midfielders featured prominently in the votes but Brown’s equal fourth placing showed that forwards are capable of polling well.

Brendon Fevola was probably being light-hearted about the extra focus on-ballers receive from the umpires at the expense of forwards but, considering Fev has been known to check out of games when things aren’t going his way, the joke is on him!

Fev shows his displeasure at a midfielder, one whose level of effort is never conditional, taking votes off him. He has to be joking, doesn’t he?

But enough of Ablett! More importantly, the evening kicked off with the traditional red carpet fashions. And, in typical AFL style, any hint of tradition was sold off to the highest bidder as the carpet went from ‘red’ to ‘blue’. Apparently Toyota have a new car…and it’s blue. Wow, the things you can do with technology these days! Ground breaking…

Brownlow night is the highlight of the season for many a WAG… including the Princess Bride of Bogans, Alex Fevola!

The ‘blue-red’ carpet saw the usual mix of elegance, class and skank; from the half-mill diamond dress (ever taken a wee surrounded by four bodyguards?) to the eye-popping squeeze of former Sydney Swans supremo Dr Geoffrey Edelston! But the award for best couple of the night was unanimous…Adam Goodes and Simon Black!

As soon as it became obvious there was no need to stay sober for a speech, Simon and Adam lived it up! You boys have my three votes!!

Imitation is usually the best form of flattery…but not down at the Cattery!

So much for that whole ‘excruciating pressure‘ theory! Septocemia 2009 will have the best possible finale as the two best teams in the competition will face off in the AFL Grand Final. Sure, we love a Cinderella story…but if it happened to involve Collingwood, that sure is one ugly Cinderella!

Thankfully, we don’t have to worry about that.  St Kilda squeaked past the Bulldogs on Friday night but Geelong roared its way in by making an absolute mess of Collingwood to qualify for a third straight premiership decider. The Cats produced close to their best football on the big stage with their star players stepping up when it mattered most.

The Pies can talk about the experience being good for their group but this club has played finals in each of the past four years, with at least two finals in the last three Septembers. How much more experience do they want before they show some true substance?

Look – photographic evidence that All-Australian Leon Davis actually got a touch in a finals game! Cue the Bronx cheers from Magpie fans…

Whether the intent of Mick Malthouse’s widely-discussed ‘pressure’ article was overblown is up for debate. But after this trouncing on preliminary final night, one thing is certain – few coaches will be under more pressure next season than Malthouse. Season 2010 will be his eleventh year in change and second last chance to ever win a premiership with Collingwood.

And he has to do it with a shattered group of players, including some alleged high quality guys who inexplicably disappear once the ‘August’ page flips over to the back of the calendar. And did we mention that his successor will be sitting in the office next door?

Channel Ten gave us Hulk Hogan. Channel Seven gave us David Schwartz wearing tights. Advantage Ten!

While last night’s match lacked any drama or intensity after the main break, I won’t complain. The very thought of the Magpies winning a premiership freaks me right out so Geelong’s dominance after halftime was fantastic view ing for me and capped a dismal day for Collingwood, who were also flogged in the VFL prelim during the afternoon.

And it just gets better Magpie fans…because we can all sit back and relive Collingwood’s back-to-back grand final defeats to the Brisbane Lions on Channel Ten’s One HD! What a great way to get Grand Final week kick-started!!!

Saint Nick’s knee holds up long enough for him to do this…

How about that! In a finals series that has already delivered high drama and some classic finishes, we got another one!  The Saints are in the grand final…but they were this freakin’ close to a shock exit. And if it wasn’t for inspirational skipper Nick Riewoldt, they wouldn’t have made it. It really is that simple. That dodgy knee of his is more valuable than gold right now!

You just knew it was going to end in heartbreak for one of these traditionally down-trodden clubs…but recovering from this will be a massive challenge for Rodney Eade’s men. That loss was so harsh that I can’t even find a way to make fun of loudmouth lair Jason Akermanis! As much as I love doing it, it just feels cruel right now, wrong even…

The power of the red beard was not quite enough for Adam Cooney and the Dogs.

The Dogs dominated the opening quarter and could have built a more than handy lead if not for a couple of squandered opportunities. As a result, the Saints were able to stay in touch and slowly work their way to the front in the third term. Down by five points at three-quarter time, Brad Johnson put the Doggies back in front but it was the other captain that willed his side into the big one next Saturday afternoon.

Whether Johnson returns next season is yet to be determined but it would be a real boost for a wounded club to have that guy back next year.

The hacks have quizzed Rocket every week about recruiting Barry Hall for 2010…imagine if David Schwartz asked him now!

And now we go through it all again tonight with the Cats and Pies and thank you Channel Ten…we can see it LIVE,  baby!  No Channel Seven again in 2009 so no more garden makeovers, no more tasty recipes, No Johanna Griggs and no watching Dr Harry feeding the fish…it’s finals action as it happens!!!

Last night was Channel Seven’s grand final…and didn’t they deliver some high quality family fun!

…

SATURDAY NIGHT

Second Preliminary Final – MCG, 7:30pm (local): Geelong v Collingwood (TEN)

Matthew Scarlett is hoping to keep his hair for one more week before launching into some post-season stupidity!

Fresh from a nice relaxing week off, Geelong will be buoyed by the inclusion of two vital cogs and now appear to have their strongest available team. Steve Johnson and his dodgy hip will be a bit of an unknown quantity so they need somebody like Tom Hawkins to get on the scoreboard. Cameron Ling is not feeling the pressure now but that might change if Dane Swan gets a few early touches!

Geelong’s Dodgy Headline of the Week: Ling Primed For Ding Dong With Swan! Hmmm…Ling Ding, Swan Dong?

Settle Ed, it was just a semi final! Imagine if they actually won the flag!!! Actually, don’t do that…I dread the very thought.

It would have been difficult to forget about last Saturday night’s miracle win but, more importantly, Collingwood need to forget about what happened in round three! They have improved since then, says no-pressure Mick. How Scott Pendlebury’s broken leg has improved enough for him to play is beyond me…we’ll see.

Collingwood”s Dodgy Headline of the Week: Goldsack Wants Crack at Stevie J! All that’s missing is the defender reference so they could use the words back, crack and sack!

CATS by 19

WHAT…ME WORRY?

Pressure. It has cost us some wayward government ministers,  it can drive young divas into a head -shaving, umbrella-waving fit of rage and it forced the temporarily rampaging Adelaide Crows into their shell during the third quarter last Saturday night. And Grant Thomas ate it for breakfast (plus a little bit more, you suspect…) but look where it got him!

That’s right – it’s preliminary final weekend and the buzzword this week has been ‘pressure’. Our two grand finalists will be determined by the end of Saturday night and for all four competing clubs, the pressure is freakin’ ginormous. Though Collingwood coach Mick Malthouse has his own little theory. He reckons that this pressure mainly applies to Geelong rather than his own club!

Apparently, the Cats are suffering under the weight of excruciating pressure that comes with being the outstanding team of the past three seasons but only have one flag to show for it. The Saints and Dogs are also under pressure having not won the comp for well over 40 years. His own club, however, seems devoid of pressure somehow…

Under pressure? Feeling stressed? Mick has just the thing for you…a nice piece of cake!

So lemme get this straight – the coach with ten years in charge at the self-proclaimed ‘biggest club in Australia’, responsible for a couple of really good years but no ‘great’ year and, most notably, no premiership to show for it; this guy is not under any pressure at all? And he thinks Geelong is under more pressure than anyone? Um…ok?

Not saying that Malthouse is a bad coach or even an overrated one – the guy is good; see last weekend as a case in point. But he has been at his current club longer than the other three coaches taking part at this preliminary final stage and, unlike the others, he also has a concrete deadline of September 2011 before handing over the keys to Nathan Buckley. No pressure though, Mick! Maybe writing these opinion pieces relaxes him…

His misguided attempt at psychological warfare has made this week a little more interesting but Bomber Thompson would not be the only person to laugh off something he has said this year. But before we see the Pies and Dogs do their best to handle the occasion on Saturday night, we have ourselves another little pressure-soaked prelim tonight!

…

FRIDAY NIGHT

First Preliminary Final– MCG, 7:45pm (local): St Kilda v Western Bulldogs (SEVEN)

After being wrapped in ice for two weeks straight, Nick’s knee feels fantastic! A little numb though…

St Kilda have been the best team all year but not so great in recent times trying to leap this particular hurdle. But things are different this time…honest! And Shane Warne has been talking to the players so what could possibly go wrong?

They do look the stronger side and should prevail but if something bad were to happen to an especially important but troublesome knee joint, anything is possible. Except for Max Hudghton running out to play…that ain’t happening tonight.

If being coated with ice works for Nick Riewoldt, it’s good enough for the Dogs! Next…the head!!!

The Doggies are in the mood for an upset…but not the type of upset they felt after losing last year’s prelim! Saints coach Ross Lyon is aware of the danger the Dogs present but then again, what else is he going to say?

One thing he won’t say is ‘We’ve gotta shut down Will Minson’. Now, big Will is important to their structure and is a handy player and all but seriously – if he is so crucial that he holds the key to the Western Bulldogs making a grand final, I’d be more than a little worried…

SAINTS by 28

There’s no doubt about Bernie Vince’s feelings. Me? I don’t know how to feel…

Boy, what a challenging game to watch…and I’m not just talking about the weather! It was tough enough to digest that what promised to be an enthralling semi final battle would result in either Collingwood or Adelaide progressing through to a preliminary final. This was a prospect the majority of football followers around Australia, me included, found tough to swallow.

For the non-partisan viewer, having to follow the see-sawing fortunes of each particularly unlikable team during the night must have been excruciating. It was like the Crows, for example, were a punch in the arm. And the Pies were a slap to the face. When the Crows do well, it felt like you were getting punched in the arm repeatedly until it went numb.

But when the Pies have the upper hand, the punching stopped but somebody started slapping you in the face. You experience the relief that your arm starts to feel better…yet you are still being whacked in the head at the same time! And so it went; punch in the arm and slap in the face, back and forth,  relief and pain;  until the final siren sounded.

But at least there was some consolation; that final slap to the face was a cracker! Collingwood prevailed in one hell of a fighting effort that was settled in the final minute by a set-shot goal from John Anthony. It appeared that young Crows star Kurt Tippett had become the hero when he slotted a goal from beyond 50 metres to give Adelaide a late one-point lead. Then this happened…

Yep, that’s a hold. No complaints about the free kick here…unless you are from South Australia!

Ben Rutten’s free kick for a hold on Anthony was clearly the correct call and no complaints from Neil Craig. He does, however, have plenty to complain about with his team’s mental strength. What happened to them in the third quarter? All this talk about the best forward line in the Crow’s history and they never looked like kicking a goal, mainly because half of them seemed to be in their defensive 50!

Don’t be scared, Jack! It’s just Mark Howard…he’s just your standard lovable larrikin, he won’t bite!

Anthony was so emotional, he forgot the post-game interview rule of “Yeah, nah, good to get the four points, just focusing on the next game”. Good on him!

With six goals in that pivotal third quarter, the Pies recovered from a five-goal deficit to set up Anthony’s final minute heroics. He has been struggling for weeks and was not that effective on the night until THAT goal…no wonder the guy was highly emotional after the siren! And the pure excitement and joy on the player’s faces was quite stirring. It is probably as close as a Magpie team will ever get to winning me over…nah, that won’t happen!

Bad loss for Goodwin. But I couldn’t think of anything worse than seeing the Crows celebrating victory…

Ok…can I take that back?

So now it’s Cats and Pies next Saturday night for a spot in the Grand Final. They fought out a classic at this stage in 2007 but the Pies want to go one better. Can’t wait to sit through it…provided Geelong wins, of course! I’m tired of being slapped in the head!

The flowing long locks of Ryan Griffin – perfect product promotion for Garnier Fructis!!

But Nathan Eagleton? Nah, not so much…

Septopia 2009 is all going to script so far. Top two teams in the prelim, bottom two teams on the drink. And now the Brisbane Lions can enjoy a nice shandy or two having been eliminated from the premiership race by the Western Bulldogs. While the game was quite physical at times, it lacked a lot of the tension we saw in three of the four matches last weekend…mainly because the result seemed assured from midway through the first quarter.

Relax everybody, Aker’s ok. But did anybody else kinda secretly enjoy this? Or was it just sadistic little ol’ me?

The Dogs didn’t allow last week’s setback to rattle them and the Lions just weren’t up to it. And that means the 2009 AFL Grand Final is now assured of having at least one participant with a legion of  long-suffering fans that have not seen a premiership for many decades. It’s the Saints and Dogs next Friday night – get ready for a barrage of emotional reportage!

But the early part of next week could well be dedicated to ‘Collingwood Stuffed Up…Again’ if tonight turns to disaster for the Pies. Either way, let’s hope for a less one-sided event than the slow inevitability of last night.

…

SATURDAY NIGHT

Second Semi Final – MCG, 7:30pm (local): Collingwood v Adelaide (TEN)

Don’t worry Pies fans – that bloke on the left will help the bloke on the right next year.

Collingwood is not the most desirable place to be at the best of times but how sucky would it be if they were eliminated tonight? They lose some big names to injury as well, which usually spells danger but Pendlebury is the only one that will be tough to replace. Apparently Travis Cloke would really love Anthony Rocca out there but he is injured again…plus, doesn’t Travis realise that it is no longer 2002? Clokey has other things to worry about anyway…

Geez, Adelaide are confident…the fans are giving Simon Goodwin a standing ovation as his teammates carry him to the airport!

And why wouldn’t they be! They are in great form and intend on sticking with what works…apart from some ‘fine tuning’ direct from Neil Craig mechanical coaching workshop. Adelaide bring back Shirley and, sorry Jeff Kennett, this will be the closest we ever get to a female playing AFL. The Crows may not run away with the win like they believe they can but timing seems right for a semi final upset.

CROWS by 9