Monthly Archives: March 2008

It Sucks Being This Good (The Lost Weekend)

Not Happy 

We let them kick six goals today, Bruce…I’m pretty pissed off right now!

What is it with these coaches who seem happier to win by one point rather than 100 points? Alastair Clarkson played down Hawthorn’s 104-point drubbing of Melbourne in round one, at pains to trot out the old “it’s only round one” line. Rodney Eade is similarly understated after the big win on Saturday…he seemed happier to rely on Nathan Bock missing a set shot to scrape through their opening round match!

Then yesterday, Geelong makes mincemeat out of Essendon in a frighteningly lopsided contest, prompting calls that the Cats are better than last year and everybody else should just give up now. Yet Geelong coach Mark ‘Bomber Cat’ Thompson only wanted to focus on how much his side had to improve! Well, that other team did kick a couple of goals here and there…you can’t have that! 

The Bombers actually thought they were half a show after running over the top of the Roos last week and Matthew Knights spoke about developing a ‘dare to win’ attitude with his side. Though when you ignore the best midfield in the business, you could be asking for trouble. In retrospect, he probably should have ‘double-dared’ them!

So having spanked the Bombers, what’s next for the mighty Cats? A home game at Skilled Stadium…against Melbourne. Forget the mere spanking, this could get pornographic! We are talking X-rated – if Demons Dean Bailey is looking to add some experience to his team, he should consider playing Paris Hilton!

In other results yesterday:

Coming up this week…

Western Bulldogs v St Kilda: The Saints have yet to lose a match of any kind this year – can they get over the 2-0 Dogs and set up a blockbuster with Geelong next week?

North Melbourne v Hawthorn: Both clubs should be thankful this game is not being played in Launceston!

West Coast v Fremantle: Two surly coaches, one hungry media pack – the off-field battle this week could be more intense than the on-field stuff.

Brisbane v Sydney: The two northern state clubs may each have derby matches of their own in the future…but the locals aren’t that impressed with the way the AFL has gone about it.

Essendon v Carlton: The Blues haven’t won since June 9th 2007 but even during this period of ‘rebuilding’, they are usually good for one beating of Essendon per year…usually in dramatic circumstances!

Geelong v Melbourne: Can we just call this game off now? Seriously, there’s no need to play it – just give both teams the weekend off and spare us all the embarrassment.

Richmond v Collingwood: Last week, it was the League officials – this week it’s the umpiring department. Honestly, why the hell is Mick Malthouse so pissed off all the time? Rich club, competitive team…is that not enough?

Adelaide v Port Adelaide: So the Power could be 0-3 if the Crows beat them this weekend? Wow, the Showdown may have just got a little more feral…if that is even possible!

The best of the weekend reading:



Being Crap Is Kinda Cute…Sometimes (Round Two – Australia, You Bloody Beauty!)


Imagine if Steven Bradbury didn’t win that gold medal. The Aussie speed skater knew he wasn’t fast enough to beat the four other finalists but his tactic of cruising well behind the leaders and hoping they fell over worked a treat. Gold medal! National Hero! Footy game played in his honour!

But what would have happened if those other four competitors stayed on their feet (or skates) and the guy finished a distant last? We reckon two things:

  1. That the name Steven Bradbury will be remembered alongside that of Eddie “The Eagle” Edwards and Eric The Eel Moussambani;
  2. All three of those guys would just be thankful they don’t play for Melbourne!

Harsh? Maybe…but the Demons copped another beating yesterday and the new coach has a massive task ahead of him to salvage his side’s season…this after just two games! And you thought the four years between Olympics was a long, long time…try being a Melbourne supporter this season.

Just in case you were trying to find a spare $125 million yesterday and missed all the action, here’s what happened at the footy:

Today’s action:
Sydney 2000Sorry
SCG, Sydney- 1:10pm (local): Sydney v Port Adelaide (FOX)


PlaneAir Hostesses

Telstra Dome, Melbourne – 2:10pm (local): Geelong v Essendon (SEVEN)

  • The history of Australian aviation will be the focus of the Geelong v Essendon match at the Dome. Attempts to allow a series of old fighter planes to fly through the open roof and land on the surface have been scrapped because the roof will probably be closed…just in case it rains at any stage over the next five days.
  • Of course, Essendon have a long association with aviation – there’s Essendon airport, the nickname ‘Bombers’ and former coach Kevin Sheedy’s obsession with flying saucers!
  • And there is Geelong who…well, Avalon airport is not far from there…
  • When a football club is performing well, they are known to be ‘flying’. Geelong did this all of last year while Essendon unveiled a new-look playing style last week. Both clubs may be ‘flying’ right now but after this afternoon, who will have crash-landed?



MCG, Melbourne – 4:40pm (local): Richmond v North Melbourne (FOX)

Close One, Mate! (Round Two – Australia, You Bloody Beauty!)

Well, let me tell a story about a man names Jed! In doubt before the match, the young Lion kicked the winning goal in Brisbane’s narrow win over Collingwood in the opening match of Australia You Bloody Beauty round last night. The win clearly delighted coach Leigh Matthews, who treated us all with a post-siren double fist-pump in the coaches box, which is always nice. Meanwhile Mick Malthouse, believe it or not, is unhappy with a group of League officials. Is this man ever happy?

But Jed Adcock was the hero of the night. Clearly, he was drawing on the awesome psychological power of a match played five years ago which he had nothing to do with…well, that’s what he will tell Michael Voss anyway.

AYBB Round continues today with four matches:



MCG, Melbourne – 2:10pm (local): Melbourne v Western Bulldogs (TEN)



Indian Pacific

AAMI Stadium, Adelaide- 2:40pm (local): Adelaide v West Coast (FOX)

  • The pride of South Australia will host the powerhouse from Perth in a tribute to the completion of the Trans-Australian Railway in 1917, providing an important transport link between Western Australia and the eastern states.
  • The railway includes the world’s longest stretch of dead-straight track (478 km, if you don’t mind!) and the Indian Pacific rail service makes the 4352km journey from one end of the country to the other. 4352 km…that probably about as far as the Magpies have travelled for away games in the past fifteen years!
  • In a gesture of goodwill for AYBB Round, the Eagles elected to take the rail journey from Perth to Adelaide for the match against the Crows. They left on Tuesday and managed to squeeze in training sessions during stops at Kalgoorlie and Port Augusta.
  • The connection between the two states is strong, particularly with their disdain at the arrogance of Victoria, but it was only enhanced in 1994 when the Crows traded with Fremantle for a young Andrew McLeod. It started a chain of questionable player deals from the Dockers but both the Crows and Eagles loved it!
  • West Coast have another link to Adelaide – electing to hand an AFL debut to draftee Brad Ebert. The Ebert name is massive in South Australia and the Crows were questioned when they overlooked the kid in last year’s draft. The locals will be quite unimpressed if the kid looks the goods today.
Telstra Dome, Melbourne – 7:10pm (local): St Kilda v Carlton (TEN)
  • A cultural movement in this country during the first half of the twentieth century, the six o’clock swill was the result of legislation that bars would close at 6pm so the men would get back home to their wives.
  • As a result, the workers who finished at 5pm had one hour in which to consume as much beer as they could before closing. Kevin Rudd would have been horrified!
  • The Saints were selected to play in this tribute match due to their long-time party club reputation, particularly during the heady days of the St Kilda social club. But the modern day Sainters are also well represented in the swilling stakes.
  • Carlton’s link to alcohol is very strong and the Blues were the obvious choice for this contest. The name alone is probably enough but also consider that businessman John Elloitt had control over the brewery and the footy club at various stages. But, of course, he’s lost control of both entities and his mind…but who doesn’t love listening to his carry-on!
  • Then, of course, there is this guy…



We WonBob Hawke

Subiaco, Perth – 5:40pm (local): Fremantle v Hawthorn (FOX)

Round Two – Australia, You Bloody Beauty!

Go Aussie Go Eureka


Last week saw the start of the AFL season and The Great Unveiling. Now, with Richmond and North Melbourne launching the Eureka Match on Sunday- a tribute to the Australian workers – let’s take this opportunity to celebrate some other significant events in our nation’s history. Welcome to ‘Australia You Bloody Beauty’ round!

From milestone moments to amazing sporting victories, every match this weekend will be played in honour of the achievements and endeavours that makes our friendly little island the envy of the world! Sure, we like to wee in public a bit…but we really are a great nation! And is there a better way to celebrate than with eight games of footy?



LIONS by 18: Brisbane in a close one…provided Jono Brown is fully hydrated after last week’s game. That’s no guarantee though – we doubt that water would be Browny’s drink of choice.

DOGS by 8: Those fans who bother to turn up will be treated to a better contest than most are expecting…though it’s hard to see Melbourne actually winning.

CROWS by 25: Andrew McLeod reckons they will go on the attack this week…for our tips sake, let’s hope the wayward Nathan Bock is in defence!

SAINTS by 45: Carlton will need to do more than just tunnelling on Nick Riewoldt in order to stop the Saints…can we suggest they try some pipe-jacking?

DOCKERS by 26: Well…if Hawthorn win, the local media will be asking some tough questions and Mark Harvey will end up stabbing a journo in the eye with a pen! And we don’t want that to happen now, do we? Do we?

SWANS by 5: The Swans are still planning to use that grind-it-out style of play…yep, that’ll bring the crowds in!

CATS by 30: Essendon are full of belief and the Cats won’t have their best line-upbut…come on, it’s Geelong!

TIGERS by 11: If this was the reaction to last week’s victory, imagine what’s going to happen if they win two in a row? Potentially, that’s a lot of wee!

Tonight’s action:


Get Married, Move To Queensland

GABBA, Brisbane – 7:40pm (local): Brisbane v Collingwood (SEVEN)

It’s Only One Game But…You Gotta Lift! (Media Street)

Shannon Noll

This guy knows how hard it can get! (Source:

Plenty of people in the football world are being asked to give the old Shannon Noll CD a listen this week after sub-par performances to start to the new AFL season. You would think that everybody is entitled to a bad game every now and again…but it doesn’t tend to work that way in the AFL.

But who is copping it in the neck after one poor game? How will they respond this week? And if given the choice between a stint in the reserves or sitting through an entire Shannon Noll CD, what would they choose? Tough decision. Personally, we would elect to run out for Williamstown or the Tassie Devils…

So, who’s gotta lift? Come on, we know you’re stronger. Stronger than this!


Daniel Wells: Complete non-factor in North’s loss to the Bombers, Wells was forced to face the media and announce that he will lift his work rate this week. Perhaps the Roos gave Wells a copy of Noll’s CD for Christmas last year…it seems they have been worried for a while about this guy.


Fremantle: Dockers coach Mark Harvey hit back yesterday after some excitable critics got up his nose following their loss to Collingwood. Harvs didn’t seem to take kindly to accusations that his team are headcases and the playing list is older than he is. They wouldn’t want to lose at home this week but we all know that the coach will have Shannonn Noll cranked up to eleven in the changerooms before the match!


Melbourne: There has been plenty of soul searching at the Dees, which you would expect after losing your first round match by 104 points. Now the media are accusing the club of not really having a soul to search. Will they be able to turn it all around this week against the awesome power of Brad Johnson’s toothy grin?

Dickheads: David Neitz wants the AFL to create a separate tribunal designed to punish players for off-field indiscretions. After the last couple of weeks all we can say is…they will be busy!


In non Aussie rock news:

Stay Away From Nick Riewoldt’s Underground Passage!(Media Street)

Are You There Nick? 

Nick? Are you down there? Can you hear us?

Tunnelling. Nick Riewoldt doesn’t like it. Matthew Richardson doesn’t like either. Craig Bolton has never even heard of it…and apparently he’s an expert. Yep, it’s this week’s Football In Crisis issue! So, what the heck is this tunnelling business anyway?

Sydney Game Plan

EXCLUSIVE: Sydney’s New Game Plan

Tunnelling occurs when a forward flies for a mark and the defender takes out the player’s legs whilst in the air. This happened more than once to Nick Riewoldt when Craig Bolton ran under him in the St Kilda-Sydney game, leaving him…well, shafted basically! 

Even though Riewoldt’s spectacular falls were by far the most interesting thing to happen in that game on Saturday night, the Saints are making a formal complaint about what they see as a deliberate tactic. The Swans are feeling victimisedagain.

So, what’s going to happen? The League will say that this was not a deliberate tactic but the umpires will start awarding free kicks on defenders standing under the airborne forward…starting right now. Well, they should have blown the whistle on these incidents with Riewoldt in the first place but clearly, the umps were too busy awarding frees for in-the-back to players who flop forward the instant a tackler makes contact.

Either way, if you think that Nick Riewoldt gets his fair share of free kicks already…you ain’t seen nothing yet!

In non-tunnelling news:

Who Said Coaching Is Hard? (The Lost Weekend)

Not Kevin 

Well done today boys… but next week, try not to call me Kevin, ok!

The Great Unveiling finished up yesterday with one of the bigger surprises of the opening round. The Kev-less and Hird-less Essendon faced a more experienced and battle-hardened North Melbourne and, having not beaten the Roos since 2001, lost non-handballing superboot Scott Lucas to injury and then fell behind by 27 points early in the second quarter.

World of trouble, right? But by full time, the Bombers had piled on 17 goals to three and Matty Knights was a coaching genius. Footy observers liked what they saw but a quick look at the draw reveals Essendon has a Sunday meeting with premiers Geelong. Enjoy your genius status for now Knighter…

Coming up this week…

Brisbane v Collingwood: A rare Friday night game from the rugby league state and Jono Brown needs help in front of goal. If the Broncos aren’t playing that night, perhaps they should give Darren Lockyer a call!

Melbourne v Western Bulldogs: Forget Brad Johnson’s late-game heroics – anything less than a ten-goal hiding this week would be a fairytale result for the Dees!

Adelaide v West Coast: The Crows may need to work on their interchange in order to avoid any final-minute Bock-ups this week.

Fremantle v Hawthorn: The Dockers look old and slow…maybe this week they will pick a guy who is in his early-to-mid twenties…

St Kilda v Carlton:The Saints should manage more than 51 points this week…and that’s just the first quarter alone! At least Juddy and Luke Ball can exchange dodgy groin stories while Riewoldt, Kossie and co. line up for goal.

Sydney v Port Adelaide: Will the Swans persist with the controversial “tunnelling” tactic? If it would help the viewers stay awake during a Swans game, we are all for it!

Geelong v Essendon: After Monday’s result, this game just got a whole lot more interesting…but that could change quickly once the Cats get stuck into the young Bombers.

Richmond v Kangaroos: It’s the Eureka game– well, that will be the cry if the Tiges actually manage to win two games in a row. Kevin Bartlett might have still been playing the last time they did that!

A quick stroll down Media Street: