Category Archives: Media Street

All Eyes On The Juddster! (Media Street)

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Visy ambassador Chris Judd reacts badly to Michael Rischitelli’s confession that he doesn’t recycle…

Two weeks ago, it was Buddy. Last week, it was Lloydy. This week…Chris Judd? For an alleged eye gouge? Not THE Chris Judd, surely! This can’t be true…must be a case of mistaken identity. Fev is the cause of all problems at the Blues, isn’t he? Must have been Fev! Or even that dancing guy of the same name that married Jennifer Lopez in 2001!

No, it’s true. Carlton captain Chris Judd has been busted for inexplicibly fiddling with the face of Brisbane Lion Michael Rischitelli during Saturday night’s elimination final! The Ruddster will be shattered…

Mr Judd will miss the first three rounds of 2010 unless he takes the early plea, reducing it down to two matches. But relax, football fans – not only is Judd eligible to win the Brownlow Medal this year and next, he can still attend football’s night of nights with his glamorous partner Rebecca Twigley. Forget the AFL tribunal…imagine the trouble he would have been in at home if they weren’t allowed to go!

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No Brownlow Medal night? Juddy would be lucky to escape with a bloody nose if that ever happened…

Interesting to see whether the Blues challenge this decision as it appears the Match Review Panel have not left much room for them to move. The incident was listed as a ‘misconduct offence in that he made unreasonable and unnecessary contact to the face’ and assessed as intentional conduct (three points), low impact (one point) and high contact (two points). With those parameters in mind, no doubt it was intentional and the face certainly falls in the ‘high’ category. Unless they can downgrade ‘low’ impact to ‘barely any’, I can’t see how Judd can beat this one.

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That’s enough Chris…No need to say any more…Ok, you need to stop…Just shut up now…GOD, MAN – WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?! STOP TALKING ALREADY!!!

What certainly works against him are comments made the day after the gut-wrenching loss to the Lions where he denied eye gouging Rischitelli. For reasons that cannot be explained, except for an early start on Mad Monday festivities, the normally measured Judd revealed he was aiming for some type of martial arts style pressure point on the guy’s face! Yeah, that helped clear things up.

Whether he was fair dinkum or not, it was probably the dumbest thing I’ve heard this year. And now we have knob-ends like Craig Hutchison chasing martial arts experts for comment and floating theories about how it could have been lethal. Nice work!

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When the going gets tough, Judd’s super tough…with a Hong Kong Phooey chop!

Something else that would work against any potential challenge is that incident back in 2007 where then-Eagle Judd was initially charged with eye gouging Campbell Brown in a match down in Tasmania. After some ‘generous’ evidence from Brown, Judd walked free. The Hawk hard man appeared to abide by the strict rules of the ‘player code’ on this occasion, though it certainly doesn’t apply in any incident involving Matthew Lloyd.

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Here is Chris Judd doing ‘nothing’ to Campbell Brown’s eye in 2007.

Maybe Judd threatened Brown with some pressure point action…or did he use the Jedi mind trick?

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If Judd gets off this charge, we will know that the Force is with him!

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Thank Goodness. I Was So Worried… (Media Street)

ThreePies

WHY SO SERIOUS? Gee, life at Collingwood is going to be one big barrel of laughs for the next five years, isn’t it?

Now we can all get on with our lives! You know how anxious I was getting about the future of Nathan Buckley. I thought he would never find a job. But we can all relax now – we know what Bucks is going to do for the next five years…well, sorta.

Both he and Mick Malthouse have signed five-year deals with the Magpies with Malthouse remaining as senior coach for two more seasons and Buckley starting off as an assistant…though Eddie McGuire and friends will probably invent a much more important sounding title for Bucks. Football Intelligence Coordinator, perhaps? Vice President of Onfield KPI Production? Director of Training Fluid Replenishment?

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And the crowd goes wild! The gathered media could barely contain their excitement!!!

Despite some nasty cynics suggesting that Malthouse would struggle accepting this type of succession plan, he appears happy to step aside for Bucks to take the helm. Though it could be a case of Mick being so stressed out about his contract negotiations that he was prepared to agree to anything! What he does for the remaining three years has yet to be fully sorted out…Football Overlord? Executive Producer of Monotone Press Conferences? Guess the Pies can make it up as they go along…apparently that is what ‘prototype’ means!

Opinions will vary greatly about the decision. Is this a footballing masterstroke? Will it turn into one big stinky pile of poop? But we shouldn’t be that surprised…this is the Collingwood way, after all!

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The off-kilter tie. The shirt that doesn’t match. There is your Channel Nine exclusive…Tony Jones dresses in the dark!

Maybe that was little harsh on Tony Jones. It must have been a busy day yesterday – you know; with the press conference, recording and filing news reports and, most importantly, writing grovelly, suck-hole articles about how the guy that once ran his TV network is a freakin’ genius! But, in all honestly, it appears to be a great arrangement for all parties involved and Magpie fans should be delighted with this.

However, there is just something about the thought of Eddie McGuire’s wildest dreams coming true that makes me want to mix Red Bull and Stilnox together, drink it to excess and hope I forget the whole thing is even happening! Apparently, it works a treat

And To The Surprise Of Absolutely Nobody…(Media Street)

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Bazza enquires with Paul Roos as to whether it would be ok to punch a journalist as his final act in Swans colours. Looks like Roosy is giving it some serious thought!

Wow. Barry Hall’s time with the Sydney Swans, and probably AFL footy, is up. Surprised? No, neither am I. It wasn’t like he pretty much forecast it in print late last week or anything

Barry Hall Loses It

If Barry does want to find a new club in 2010, this is probably why it won’t be the West Coast Eagles.

Controversy has pretty much been his middle name during his playing days, although his strength and influence did help catapult the Swans into the AFL elite and a long awaited premiership. But his inability to control his aggression has prematurely ended his time in Sydney.

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Oh yeah, that’s right. He’s a premiership captain! Easy to forget sometimes…

So, I wonder what Barry will do now…Duh, we all know that – punch blokes for a living! Business as usual, you might say. Well, this time the other guy will be punching back.

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Just when it appeared that he found a way to do dumb things and hit people without getting suspended…

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…that Ben Rutten and his pesky jaw went and ruined everything!!!

Making the decision to step away from footy now is probably for the best. He has time to jump into the boxing ring at least once before he has to decide if he has one more season of footy in him. I think he really needs to fight somebody in the ring, make a shiteload of money in the process, and then decide if that is what he really wants to do with himself.

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Gloves on, arms pumping, no umpires in sight – look how happy he is!

But if he wants another crack at AFL, which club would take such a gamble? All sixteen will be quizzed about Hall ad nauseum from now until the end of the season, probably after every loss. They will all be hoping that Baz just leaves the gloves on and saves them all the trouble!

Say It Ain’t So! (Media Street)

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Richo prepares for life after football…as a construction worker? A truck driver? A lollipop lady perhaps?

Imagine a world without Richo doing something stupid on the footy field that makes us all smile! I can’t… Sure – he’s out for at least three months with a hamstring tendon injury and everybody is talking life without Richo. But I’m just not ready yet…and I don’t even follow the Tigers!

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Scotty must be a little distracted at the moment…just look at that freakin’ elbow! That would put me off my footy…

Imagine a world without Scotty Lucas ignoring the handball and players in better position to take pot shots at goals within 80 metres of the big sticks! I can’t…but maybe I should start. Lucas “rested” from the Essendon side after a horror start to the season and who knows when he will be back?

anthonyheadbutt

Honey please, I can explain…it’s NOT what it looks like!!!

Imagine a world where you can’t slyly headbutt your opponent in the nuts as you get up off the ground! I can’t…but the League doesn’t appear to be overly keen on it. John Anthony outed for a groin headbutt and will miss the Monday night blockbuster against the undefeated Saints. Will somebody please ask Mick Malthouse in his next press conference what it feels like to lose a key player for a vital game who thrusted his head into the ghoulies of another man?

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Oh, it’s going to happen to Gary Ablett again this year! Poor bloke…

Imagine a world where Gazza Junior is not pipped at the post on Brownlow night after missing a few games due to injury! I’m trying…I’m really trying. But it’s happening again, isn’t it! I can hear that massive room filled with pissed footballers groaning in unison already…

Where’s Wallace? (Media Street)

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The smile, the sunnies, the media throng that follows him everywhere he goes…talk about living the rock star life! Tell me Terry isn’t loving every second of this!!!

We all know that when there is a “CRISIS” in AFL footy, there is nowhere to hide. Richmond are currently in “CRISIS” mode and the eyes of all media and Tiger supporters are fixated on the footpaths and back exits at Punt Road. So what is going on down there?

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Richmond’s spokesman for mental problems reveals to the footy world that…yes, they have mental problems!


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The KKK? Look more like a cheap-ass Casper the Friendly Ghost…with a little Blues Brothers thrown in!

Um…sorry but are Fremantle players really dressing up as members of the Klu Klux Klan in order to pull pranks on their teammates?

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Did I say KKK? I meant that the players dress up like the RSPCA! They go around feeding puppy dogs and petting kitty cats…our players are soooooooo cute!!!

Sounds more like a poor choice of words from the Freo assistant coach to me. Come on – this is the twenty-first century! As if anybody would seriously be that insensitive as to parade around in racist paraphernalia these days…

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Um…never mind!

Sorry, Don’t Feel Like Chicken Tonight! (Media Street)

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Shooting commences on the new movie Australia – The Sequel, starring Hugh Jackman (left) and a frozen Nicole Kidman (right)

What the f@#$ is going on this week? First we have Nathan Bock being suspended indefinitely by the Adelaide Crows after a drunken night gone horribly wrong. We also had a Crows fan banned from attending the footy for the rest of the season after throwing a bottle at the umpires last Friday night…but hitting a small child instead. And who could forget that incident after the Collingwood-Melbourne game where the father of Demons midfielder Nathan Jones was bashed by Magpies fans…resulting in a court appearance for the accused attacker!

Bizarre sequence of events, right? Could not possibly get any stranger that that, could it?

Oh, shit yes it could! Try this on for size…a video written, devised and produced by North Melbourne players involving the sexual exploits of a rubber chicken named Boris found its way onto the internet. It didn’t stay there long. And the League is plenty pissed off!

The video, which has been tastefully referred to in some areas as the ‘Sex Chook’ video, was the talk of the footy world yesterday – mainly about the content’s degrading attitude towards women, or debating whether the video was just some harmless fun between some not-very-smart footballers. Obviously the media-savvy powerbrokers at Arden Street knew the serious nature of Boris and his lurid escapades…they wheeled out every player they could find to stand around looking sorry for this public apology!

Hard to say what the more disturbing aspect of this video is – why the video would even have been made or my complete lack of surprise that a group of footy players with a little spare time would make something like this. Worst of all, this scandal forced me to attempt something I haven’t done for many years…try to watch The Footy Show in order to learn more about the story. All it did was quickly remind me why I don’t ever watch it. It started a little after 8:30pm…I lasted until 8:38pm. It’s all I could take…

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It took about five minutes for a reminder of why I gave up watching The Footy Show a few years ago…won’t make that mistake again!

Apparently, two senior players appeared on the show to take some level of responsibility for the video and it seems that they and some others will be a bit lighter in the pocket by the end of the day. But, as much as the Roos will now want to be all about ‘moving forward’ and ‘focusing on playing this weekend’, I suspect that the League hasn’t quite finished with them…

Talking Heads (Media Street)

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Robert Walls in high definition may not be pretty but watching a full hour of One Week At A Time is no problem…

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…but Footy Classified? Can’t do it! The very sight of Craig Hutchison makes me scramble for the remote every time…

It has been with us for less than one week but already Channel Ten’s 24-hour sports venture, ONE, is getting a decent run on the plasma TV at HBF Central. And it was with great relief that the new Monday night AFL discussion show One Week At A Time made its debut. I say relief because without the pricey television goodness of Foxtel, the only AFL analysis program available to me during the week has been Footy Classified…which is not my cup of tea, to be honest.

Sure – the prospect of tuning in to see a casually dressed Robert Walls in high definition is not the most visually stunning image…but it made a nice change to have a panel partaking in an enjoyable hour of footy without a single hint of interruption, contrived provocation or wild accusation. It still needs some work, obviously, but after one airing, it already beats the shit out of cringing through Craig Hutchison and the Channel Nine hype machine. So call me ‘faint-hearted’…but I have no place for Footy Classified. Give me OWAAT or, if you are up late around Footy Classified time, try 30 Rock on Channel Seven. You’ll be much better for the experience…

Speaking of talking heads…have you seen the movie Watchmen? There is a character called Doctor Manhattan…he’s big, blue and can create duplicate physical versions of himself in order to perform more than one task at the same time. Well, Eddie McGuire obviously thinks he is the Doctor Manhattan of the AFL. All he needs to do is announce which ‘Eddie’ he is being at any certain time and we are expected to forget about all those other ‘Eddies’ out there – be it President Eddie or Media Eddie or Former Game Show Host Who Really Needs A New Game Show Eddie!

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Thankfully, unlike the various versions of Doctor Manhattan, the various versions of Eddie McGuire all choose to wear pants!

So, when Eddie floats the “Kevin Sheedy coaching Richmond by round four” theory after the Tigers were flogged by Carlton, it’s not poor form coming from an opposing club president because he’s not a president any more…it is Media Eddie talking. But when President Eddie frowns on speculation about Collingwood’s coaching position by people in the media (people just like Media Eddie), that’s ok too.

Um, is the line becoming blurry yet?…Well, stiff! Try telling him that he’s out of line and you can guarantee that one or more versions of Eddie will be after you . The only other guarantee we can make about this whole saga is it will end up in another Caroline Wilson article on The Eddies later this year! And it will probably include many parts of this article too

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Well well…don’t  Anna B and Andy D look pleased with themselves!

The Gold Coast now have a footy team…well, almost! The licence is ‘provisional‘ but Andy D and Anna B wouldn’t have put on such a flashy Gold Coast stylee show, signing contracts and smiling a lot, if it wasn’t going to go ahead, right? So if you are an AFL club, lock up your youngsters…especially if they are Queenslanders!

Now how is the League going to pay for GC17…and WS18 for that matter? The next media rights, of course! Andy D is already spruiking it up…big time. And don’t think that the massive interest created in last week’s AFL season opener won’t be used by Andy and friends with a view to milking as much cash as possible in the next rights deal. Well, last Thursday night’s hype-fest was more a result of good fortune with the Ben Cousins saga.

So unless the league plans an annual roll-out of previous Brownlow winners, straight out of rehab, to participate in the opening game of the year, we won’t experience the likes of last Thursday night again. And after the result of that game, it would be just as well…