Tag Archives: Matthew Scarlett

When The Cats Go Marching In! (2009 AFL Grand Final)



Wow – Geelong are good at this cup-lifting thing! Looks like they’ve done it before…

Holy crap – what a day! A massive audience, a classic match and even the pre-match entertainment didn’t totally suck…well, until the Jersey Boys got involved! Yep, a limp-as-a-lettuce-leaf rendition of the national anthem – won’t that inspire to football masses to buy tickets to their crappy stage show!


Chappy deservedly wins Norm…just don’t ask me how he did it!

Anyway, back to the footy and on a wet, cold day at the ‘G, it was Geelong that found their way to the front when it mattered to win a second flag in three seasons. On the verge of two straight grand final catastrophes, the Cats scored three goals to nil in the final term to earn the ultimate reward for their sustained excellence and become a truly great outfit. Look out, Lions!


How would it feel to lead most of the way in a Grand Final and lose? Lenny Hayes pretty much sums it up…

One of these teams was always going to feel unfortunate to miss out on the great prize. Few could have predicted just how devastating defeat would become for the Saints…particularly when things quite easily could have gone their way had they capitalised on their opportunities early.


Broken collarbone, busted nose, dream destroyed…hard to imagine anybody feeling worse than Brendon Goddard must have after the siren!

If there is any consolation for the St Kilda faithful, it seems to lie with the hard-line stance of the coach looking to ensure his club strives to improve and bounce back in 2010. The popular Max Hudghton won’t be back but it will be interesting to see if anybody else joins him on the sidelines…like little twerp goal sneaks who wear number 44, for example.


Max Rooke claims himself some new wheels…might come in handy this week during the celebrations! Wonder if his psychic told him about this as well?

But enough HBF-style hardcore analysis…it’s time to wind down after a long season that again defied all expectations (and defied logic at certain stages) and let our collective hairs down! Then, maybe, we can start worrying about who will be the team to beat in 2010. Until then, may all your Mondays be Mad and your blondes a little better looking than this one!


When The Game Takes Over Our Drunken Idiot Coverage! (2009 AFL Grand Final Preview)



We will now briefly focus on a football game before returning you to your regularly scheduled programming…which, apparently, is this guy!

Relax, people! Once Saturday’s game is over, we can go back to the main reason we all follow the game…what stupid Brendan Fevola up to now and what EVERYBODY ELSE thinks about it! Or maybe you’ve had enough of Fev and would prefer to talk about trades – where Shaun Burgoyne thinks he is going or where Brock McLean says he is going.

Perhaps you are stunned that Marty Clarke is choosing to go home or that Matthew Lloyd is choosing to stay home. But for now, the 2009 AFL Grand Final needs to take centre stage so you’ll just have to make do with that…

Not a bad consolation though…the two best teams in the comp are virtually at full strength (sorry Max fans!) and primed to present us with a fitting finale to the footy season. It’s going to be entertaining day and a great spectacle but, please, remember to behave appropriately. You don’t want to end up like Stupid Fevola (that is, a big blokey legend!), do you?



The secret to St Kilda’s success? Not catching swine flu from the filthy, germ-infested masses!

The dominant team of 2009 but not a clear favourite… a lack of respect or is this just history talking?

The Team
Jason Blake, Zac Dawson, Steven Baker
HB: Brendon Goddard, Sam Fisher, Sam Gilbert
C: Farren Ray, Lenny Hayes, Nick Dal Santo
HF: Andrew McQualter, Justin Koschitzke, Clint Jones
F: Stephen Milne, Nick Riewoldt, Jason Gram
Foll: Steven King, Leigh Montagna, Adam Schneider
I/C: Luke Ball, Raphael Clarke, Sean Dempster, Michael Gardiner
Emg: David Armitage, Jarryn Geary, James Gwilt

In: Dempster
Out: Robert Eddy



The secret to Geelong’s success? Police arresting anybody that goes within one metre of Gary Ablett!

The Team
Darren Milburn, Matthew Scarlett, Corey Enright
HB: Tom Harley, Harry Taylor, Andrew Mackie
C: Joel Corey, Cameron Ling, James Kelly
HF: Jimmy Bartel, Cameron Mooney, Steve Johnson
F: Travis Varcoe, Tom Hawkins, Paul Chapman
Foll: Mark Blake, Joel Selwood, Gary Ablett
I/C: Brad Ottens, Shannon Byrnes, Max Rooke, David Wojcinski
Emg: Shane Mumford, Simon Hogan, Mathew Stokes

No change

So…who wins this bloody thing? St Kilda made the one team change but it will not result in a fairytale send-off for stalwart Max Hudghton. Geelong are unchanged but have sterner opposition compared to last week. Hard to predict a winner with any great confidence; hence the call of a draw’ being quite popular.

For me, the deciding factor is simple…and probably a touch immature, but oh well. I just don’t want to see Stephen Milne win a grand final. The thought of that little twerp receiving a premiership medallion and whooping it up would ruin my entire year.


For the love of God, do not let this twerp win a premiership!

If St Kilda did win and for whatever reason; concussion,  injury, diarrhoea; Milne was not involved at the end, I could live with that. If they could vote him off the podium and replace him with Robert Harvey, even better. But please Geelong..do not let this twerp win!!!

CATS by 22

They Didn’t Go Marching In But The Saints Are There!(Septocemia – 2009 AFL Finals Series)



Saint Nick’s knee holds up long enough for him to do this…

How about that! In a finals series that has already delivered high drama and some classic finishes, we got another oneThe Saints are in the grand final…but they were this freakin’ close to a shock exit. And if it wasn’t for inspirational skipper Nick Riewoldt, they wouldn’t have made it. It really is that simple. That dodgy knee of his is more valuable than gold right now!

You just knew it was going to end in heartbreak for one of these traditionally down-trodden clubs…but recovering from this will be a massive challenge for Rodney Eade’s men. That loss was so harsh that I can’t even find a way to make fun of loudmouth lair Jason Akermanis! As much as I love doing it, it just feels cruel right now, wrong even…


The power of the red beard was not quite enough for Adam Cooney and the Dogs.

The Dogs dominated the opening quarter and could have built a more than handy lead if not for a couple of squandered opportunities. As a result, the Saints were able to stay in touch and slowly work their way to the front in the third term. Down by five points at three-quarter time, Brad Johnson put the Doggies back in front but it was the other captain that willed his side into the big one next Saturday afternoon.

Whether Johnson returns next season is yet to be determined but it would be a real boost for a wounded club to have that guy back next year.


The hacks have quizzed Rocket every week about recruiting Barry Hall for 2010…imagine if David Schwartz asked him now!

And now we go through it all again tonight with the Cats and Pies and thank you Channel Ten…we can see it LIVE,  baby!  No Channel Seven again in 2009 so no more garden makeovers, no more tasty recipes, No Johanna Griggs and no watching Dr Harry feeding the fish…it’s finals action as it happens!!!


Last night was Channel Seven’s grand final…and didn’t they deliver some high quality family fun!


Second Preliminary Final – MCG, 7:30pm (local): Geelong v Collingwood (TEN)


Matthew Scarlett is hoping to keep his hair for one more week before launching into some post-season stupidity!

Fresh from a nice relaxing week off, Geelong will be buoyed by the inclusion of two vital cogs and now appear to have their strongest available team. Steve Johnson and his dodgy hip will be a bit of an unknown quantity so they need somebody like Tom Hawkins to get on the scoreboard. Cameron Ling is not feeling the pressure now but that might change if Dane Swan gets a few early touches!

Geelong’s Dodgy Headline of the Week: Ling Primed For Ding Dong With Swan! Hmmm…Ling Ding, Swan Dong?


Settle Ed, it was just a semi final! Imagine if they actually won the flag!!! Actually, don’t do that…I dread the very thought.

It would have been difficult to forget about last Saturday night’s miracle win but, more importantly, Collingwood need to forget about what happened in round three! They have improved since then, says no-pressure Mick. How Scott Pendlebury’s broken leg has improved enough for him to play is beyond me…we’ll see.

Collingwood”s Dodgy Headline of the Week: Goldsack Wants Crack at Stevie J! All that’s missing is the defender reference so they could use the words back, crack and sack!

CATS by 19

Hawkmania! (The Lost Weekend)

The Hawks touch down in Tassie…no doubt it was a day full of cheers, beers and jokes about ‘maps’…

Hawthorn’s premiership celebration tour has taken to the air, crossed the Bass Strait and landed in Tasmania! The Apple Isle has a unique sponsorship arrangement with the club and the Hawks delayed the traditional post-season Mad Monday craziness to show off the silverware in Hobart and Launceston. The club president/master spruiker, a number of coaches and players paraded the cup to a host of happy Taswegians; including local product Grant Birchall, who Kennett delighted in revealing to all that he gave his two front teeth for Tassie during the game. At least his friends will know what to get him for Christmas this year…

Full credit to the Hawks for ensuring they included Tasmania in the celebrations – it might have been a little pricey but that would not be a worry for them at this point in time. And to get down there so quickly after the win…considering that many of the players would be feeling a little dusty after a massive Sunday! This included a monster turn-out at Glenferrie with an estimated 20,000 fans in attendance…though we doubt that the terminally-sour Don Scott was there (or within a 100km radius of the place!)

The League, of course, would also have been pleased with the effort Hawthorn have gone to in Tasmania – and secretly wishing this would be enough to appease the locals and make them forget about launching a bid for a Tasmanian team in the AFL…which has zero chance of being approved by the AFL. Um…no! It only seems to be making them more determined – Andy D will be thrilled.

Who would want to watch the newly-crowned premiers belt out the club song in the rooms straight after the game? Answer: Everybody…except Channel Seven!

The champs now head back to the mainland to collect the keys to the city of Hawthorn and, more than likely, belt out the club song another 20 or so times! Which brings us to the telecast of the grand final on Saturday. Overall, it was more than satisfactory – the pre-match entertainment had its traditional array of eye-raising moments but the usual impulse to switch off the TV didn’t kick in this year. That must be a good sign…though not everybody felt the same way!

After a seven year “hiatus”, Channel Seven did a pretty good job with the game telecast and despite having an over-crowded commentary team, managed to integrate them all without flooding the airwaves with useless chatter. But just when you thought that Seven had ticked all the boxes for the day, they stumbled badly with two minutes left in the telecast when it became apparent that they would not show the Hawks singing the club song in the rooms.

NEWSFLASH: We interrupt this broadcast of Hawthorn winning the flag to announce…that Hawthorn have won the flag!

And sure enough, after teasing viewers by showing live footage of the Hawthorn boys gathering in a circle to belt out the song, they cut away to the news. The network have been bagged all year for leaving out the winning team’s song on their Sunday game telecasts and then faced with the decision on the biggest day on the footy calendar, they stuffed it up again! Maybe next year, huh? Or the year after? Um, 2011?

The Cats will be back next year…let’s hope Matthew Scarlett’s hair also returns in 2009!

Meanwhile, probably in a dingy pub at the gateway to the Bellarine Peninsula, the post-mortem for Geelong continues. The place must still be in complete shock at the loss and the players are either totally blaming themselves or sticking up for those teammates who didn’t fire on Saturday. But the Cats are talking redemption in 2009, which they are well entitled to do, and seeing this missed opportunity as a mere blip on the radar as they navigate the path to football greatness.

A good analogy can always come in handy when everything goes to tripe but Frank’s Costa’s attempt to relate Don Bradman’s final innings to Geelong’s plight doesn’t quite workthe greatness of the Don was undisputed when he fell for a duck in his final knock and we don’t feel that Geelong are in that position at all. This is probably the equivalent of the Cats whacking a quick-fire double-century in 2007 before copping a ferocious Harold Larwood-style bouncer from the Hawks that sent them back to the pavilion! Mark Thompson’s boys need to respond in 2009 if they want to be categorised with the Bradman-like greatness of the three-peat Brisbane Lions.

Now that footy is over with for 2008…Half Back Flanker has no idea what to do! There is trade week coming up…and it looks like there could be some real activity this year rather than the usual round of 100-plus rumours that result in less than ten actual trades. So we will keep an eye on the events of trade week and see which big names will reject Collingwood again find greener pastures.

That Whole Second Sydney Team Idea Sounds Wonderful! (Media Street)

And the crowd goes mild! Are these the scenes that will greet the Western Sydney Whatevers in 2012?

The Herald Sun have found themselves a new work experience kiddie…Andrew Demetriou! The League supremo thought he might just publish his own thoughts on the controversial expansion plans for western Sydney – mainly that everything is fine and dandy, thank you very much! The League feels that the paltry crowd figure for the Swans final match on Saturday night is far from disastrous and it is just proof that a second team is required up there to help boost interest in the code.

They certainly need to do something. Half Back Flanker was actually in western Sydney last Saturday and the interest in the match, from what we could tell, was virtually nil! A low profile opponent in North Melbourne, no ads on TV, bugger all in the press and the coldest September weekend in ages all conspired against a decent crowd. The AFL is responsible for promoting the game and it felt like their tactic was to ignore the game altogether in the hope that the Swans would get more coverage from the Sydney media if they bagged them for a piss-poor crowd rather than the actual result.

Sad thing is…it probably worked! At least the Gold Coast has some interest in our game so GC17 has a fighting chance to succeed. But even if Western Sydney does become the biggest sporting market in the near future, what’s the point of creating WS18 if nobody up there gives a crap? Andy D’s reputation hinges on this push into New South Wales and South East Queensland…maybe this Herald Sun article was a good chance for him to brush up on his writing skills! You know, just in case he needs a new job in the future…

Little Gazza does it again! To the chagrin of all Buddy Franklin devotees, Geelong’s Gary Ablett has won the AFL Players Association’s prestigious Most Valuable Player award. Voted on by the players, Ablett finished ahead of Franklin to claim a second successive AFLPA MVP…and the honour of winning the award with the most acronyms in all of world sport!

But we doubt that Franklin will be too upset about missing out on this award; he is just loving life at the moment as he leads the Hawks towards a grand final showdown with Ablett’s Cats. The only aspect of his climb to fame that might not sit well with him is having to talk to all those pesky footy journalists…and he is far from the Lone Ranger there!

Franklin was forced to face the press yesterday…though it wasn’t to deny allegations that he is actually a footballing demi-god from another planet! (Apparently, Buddy is actually a human! And people wonder why footy players aren’t fans of the media…) It was because a Carlton fan returned Buddy’s 100th goal football… though we recommend that he sterilise that footy – it could have been anywhere!

Ewwwww! Why aren’t you wearing gloves, Buddy? You don’t know where that ball has been!

In other footy news:

No More Kangas, No More Crows (The Lost Weekend)

The Cats are looking ominous again…even Cam Mooney’s man hugs have a finals like intensity!

And then there were six. Well, there’s definitely one and probably a second…the other four can probably start organising which sex toy they’d prefer to wear on their Mad Monday! Septocemia has hit week one of the finals and claimed both Adelaide and North Melbourne. while two other clubs have a second chance at glory…or at least stringing out their season for another week!

But it all appears to be academic…Geelong are just too freakin’ good it seems! Despite the efforts of many media types to declare St Kilda as some sort of genuine challenger, in particular the notoriously mouthy ex-Saints coach and Nick Riewoldt groupie Grant Thomas, the Saints were lucky to finish fourth in the first place and even luckier that they didn’t lose by 100 points or more as the Cats went through the motions in the final quarter to avoid further injury problems. And the craptacular performance of Riewoldt is living proof that he should be more particular about which male groupies he should spend his time with!

But Hawthorn also progressed to the preliminary final after an equally impressive win and look set for their first grand final appearance since the early nineties. Something bordering on the miraculous would need to happen if any teams other than the Cats and Hawks find themselves in the Grand Final!

Matty Scarlett wishes Robert Harvey a happy retirement…or something like that!


Alright guys – we have a big final against Hawthorn, our form has faded late in the season (again) and the whole nation is watching us. So tell me…how do we beat the Hawks tonight?


Yep, that’s great…don’t all f@#%&$g speak at once, will ya’s!!!

Second Qualifying Final – Hawthorn 18.19.127 def. Western Bulldogs 11.10.76

The Buddy Show rolls on as Lance Franklin’s eight goals fires Hawthorn past the Western Bulldogs and into a preliminary final. Franklin’s dazzling display again confirmed that he is the only thing standing between Geelong and the silverware but a few of his teammates have some fitness issues ahead of the prelim. Lucky they have an extra week to prepare…

The Doggies, on the other hand, struggled to handle the pressure of finals footy and haven’t been all that impressive late in the season either. So even if they do bounce back against Sydney in the semi finals, what hope do they have against the Cats?


This man just won another final interstate…and is he happy? Course not!

First Elimination Final – Collingwood 19.11.125 def. Adelaide14.10.94

The only result that could be considered an upset occurred on Saturday afternoon when Collingwood escaped from South Australia with a come-from-behind victory. It was yet another interstate triumph for the terminally grumpy Mick Malthouse and talk of a premiership challenge will be flooding out of all those Magpie fans. Awesome…

For Adelaide, their finals campaign was over before it started…or at least before it should have started, which would have been on Sunday in the first verses fourth qualifying final. Instead of a second chance, it is an early exit, plenty of disappointment and a string of harsh post-mortems. Probably lucky they had a record-low finals crowd to experience it all…


Now that’s a bunch of happy Swans…but has Barry Hall just applied a ‘brain-sucker’ to Jude Bolton???

Second Elimination Final – Sydney 17.8.110 def. North Melbourne11.9.75

Perhaps there is a little life left in Sydney yet! After a tight first half, the inspirational Brett Kirk showed the way to guide the Swans to a solid win over North Melbourne. Leo Barry feels that the criticism of their older players served as motivation to beat the Roos…so he will really look forward to the Melbourne media telling them how shit they are this week!

It’s all over for Shagga Grant!

For Dean Laidley, saying he was disappointed at North’s exit would have to be a massive understatement! As history will show, they blew it in round 22 and were then overrun by a Sydney outfit that are supposedly past it. But Laidley feels they are in better shape now than they were after last year…well, they will suffer one less finals flogging this time around. That has to be a positive…


Stephen Milne finally makes an impact in a finals game…if by ‘make an impact’ ,you mean ‘got busted being a sly little prick and gifted Geelong a double-goal’. Top work!!!

First Qualifying Final – Geelong 17.17.119 def. St Kilda 8.13.61

Geelong make mince meat out of St Kilda and now only needs to knock off either the Dogs or Swans in a fortnight to make the grand final. Even the typically reserved Cats coach could not help but express his delight in how well his team played. It wasn’t all great news for the Cats though with Paul Chapman under an injury cloud after leaving the game early and young midfielder Brent Prismall went down with a shocking knee injury.

St Kilda must have felt like legends in their own mind after flogging a weak Essendon side by over 100 points last week but reality just kicked them in the arse! And Ross Lyon couldn’t wait to declare his side as the underdogs for next week’s semi against Collingwood at the post-match press conference….well, he probably started preparing for the Pies at quarter time yesterday!

Football Royalty Rules Again (Round Eleven – God Save The Queen!)

Unlike Prince Harry, there is absolutely no doubt who this guy’s father is!!!

Honestly – how freakin’ good is Gary Ablett Jnr! In a highly entertaining match choc-full of goals, the son of the great Gary Ablett went nuts with 39 touches to lead Geelong to their tenth win in eleven matches this season. He also kicked a spectacular curling left-footer on the run in the shades of three quarter time to give his Cats a vital two-goal lead…this guy is so talented that it’s ridiculous!

But it wasn’t all great news for Geelong with a couple of concerns coming out of the match; including an injury problem for Matthew Scarlett and a possible report on forward Cam Mooney. It was another eventful night for Mooney – a career-best seven goals, another silly incident with an opponent and another post-game smooch with a teammate. This time it was Steve Johnson…which would have come as a relief to Matty Stokes, a regular target of Mooney’s amorous advances.

Wanna play Kisschasy?

North kicked 17 goals against the reigning premiers without forwards Aaron Edwards, Nathan Thompson and Corey Jones, and didn’t receive a lot of help from the umpires in the final quarter. No wonder Kangaroos coach Dean Laidley was not very happy after the match. Maybe a Cam Mooney man-cuddle would cheer him up!

Here is the rundown for the remaining games as we say God Save The Queen for the three-day weekend:


The Queen visits Adelaide in 1954…mustn’t have thought much of the place, she has barely been back since!

MCG, Melbourne – 2:10pm (local): Richmond v Adelaide (FOX)

Ryan O’Keefe played his cards right many years ago when he hooked up with a young Mary Donaldson, now the Crown Princess of Denmark.

Subiaco, Perth – 5:40pm (local): West Coast v Sydney (FOX)

You thought Princess Diana had problems with media packs…what about poor Alastair Clarkson?

Telstra Dome, Melbourne- 7:10pm (local): Essendon v Hawthorn (TEN)


It’s a wonder that half of the Freo players are not running out for the East Perth Royals in the WAFL this Queens Birthday weekend!

GABBA, Brisbane – 1:10pm (local): Brisbane v Fremantle (FOX)

Much like St Kilda this season, the Queen that you see here is not the real deal…it’s merely an impersonator!

Telstra Dome, Melbourne – 2:10pm (local): St Kilda v Western Bulldogs (SEVEN)


AAMI Stadium, Adelaide – 4:10pm (local): Port Adelaide v Carlton (FOX)


Perhaps hiring the Sex Pistols to sing God Save The Queen at the Melbourne 150 Heroes dinner was not the best move…”No Future, No Future, No Future For You!”

MCG, Melbourne – 2:10pm (local): Melbourne v Collingwood (TEN)