Round Nine – Where It Was All About Aker…Again!

This round of footy was meant to be a celebration for these guys…

Instead, it ended up being all about this guy!

So that was Indigenous Round. Well, you could have fooled me. The week of round nine should have been all about celebrating the likes of Andrew McLeod and the other 81 indigenous players who add so much to the AFL. Instead the focus was hijacked by ‘a senior Western Bulldogs player’ and round nine turned into a week-long soapbox for one individual who, despite his lofty achievements and rare skills, gives many people the shits.

Sure, 300 games is a great achievement and his standard of play is still very high…but he just doesn’t know when to shut the hell up! Which means, of course, that the Herald Sun felt obliged to give us ‘Aker Gold’ every damn day…and probably coughed up good dollars for the privilege of his ‘intellectual property’. Don’t think that Aker would spill his guts for free!

Give top billing to the many players that an entire round of football is dedicated to? Nah! Let’s focus on somebody who is starting to come across as sad and bitter, criticising the most respected figures in the game, will probably never be welcome at the club where he starred and will probably crack the shits with the Dogs when (not if…when!) he backflips on retirement plans and they cannot accommodate him. That’s another Aker public campaign to look forward to…

Anyway, despite a thrilling Friday night game between the Cats and Dogs, where That Guy did play a heck of a game, surely it was time to take an Aker-break? Of course not! The following night, right before Dreamtime at the ‘G, Before The Game spent more than half the show lauding That Guy and giving him a platform to show how ‘funny’ he can be…

ENOUGH AL-FREAKIN’-READY!!!

Looking forward to a Aker-free lead up to this week’s round of football…or is that too much to ask?

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The Games:

Um…you boys realise that you actually won the game? Would it kill any of you to give us a big smile? Geez – talk about ungrateful!

Geelong remain undefeated…but only just! Brad Johnson’s checkside kick after the siren could have won the game for the Bulldogs but he couldn’t produce the fairytale finish. The Cats survive a stern test without their only good key forward to win their 51st game in the last 54 starts…but hey, let’s all talk about Aker some more!

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Look Veronica…it’s Melbourne’s best domed stadium ever!!!

Oh yes, Ron – do me on it!!!

Tuned into AM radio behemoth 3AW to get a progress score for the North Melbourne-Fremantle game and all I heard was some enlightening banter about how half the commentators didn’t even know who Ron Burgundy was and had never seen the movie Anchorman. So rather than listen to the rest of the match, I went to my DVD collection and watched Anchorman instead!

North Melbourne won, by the way…

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Not only has Andrew McLeod played more games than Aker, the only person who really hates him is Lleyton Hewitt! But Aker? It would be quicker to name all the people that actually like him…

When you play the Crows  at AAMI Stadium, you don’t expect to be part of a massive goalfest. But come on Carlton… zero goals in the first half? Adelaide bring it home for new games record holder McLeod and the Blues may have lost more than just the four points…not good! We know they’re coming…we just don’t know when!

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Is that kid presenting an olive branch to Terry Wallace and Chris Newman? And is that Craig Hutchison hiding inside his tracksuit top?

When Richmond were leading by two goals  late in the third quarter, did Herald Sun hack Mark Robinson, in some massive rush to be first with the news, publish an article online saying that the Tigers actually won Dreamtime at the ‘G? Did fellow hack Craig Hutchison report that Richmond had actually won, Mitch Morton finished with seven goals and that Terry Wallace was given a three year extension on his contract? No? Well, that’s why you don’t just f&!#@$g guess these things!!! Essendon blitz Richmond in the second half and make the Tigers sad…

Yep…that just about sums it up! Chin up kid, they’ll come good. Just don’t ask me when…

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Dane Swan and Leon Davis await the draw for the raffle – winner gets to waltz in for an easy shot at goal. Leon had the winning ticket!

Things haven’t quite worked out for Collingwood in the twelve months since they hammered Geelong in that Friday night match in 2008. But they managed a nice win in the west against the Eagles on Saturday night. According to the WA press, the loss has put a massive dent into West Coast’s finals aspirations. West Coast had finals aspirations? Really?

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Heath Grundy with an absolute screamer!!! I wish that screamers were worth 50 points in Super Coach – then he might be worth keeping in my team..

Daniel Motlop’s You Tube video was the talk of the football world this week and had the Swans running scared! Well, they must have extended their defensive zone into the third row of the grandstand at the SCG because Motlop could only kick one goal as the Swans thumped Port Adelaide. Paul Roos feels his side is starting to gain some belief…well, at least they don’t believe every video they see!

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Ross Lyon struggles with the reality that as his team keeps winning, he has to keep picking Stephen Milne!

If the aim for St Kilda on Sunday was to remain unbeaten…mission accomplished. If the other aim was to kick straight in order to remain unbeaten…well, maybe next week. The Saints needed some luck in the end to sink the Lions, particularly from that arsey bastard Milne, but Vossy was very pleased with his boys. Well, so he tells us…privately, he should be pretty pissed off!

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Has anybody ever failed to score from ten centimetres out in the goal square? Only a smartarse like Russell Robertson!!!

Are Hawthorn really starting to get its act together? Or did they just play Melbourne? Either way, the Hawks had little trouble against the Dees and even some kid with robotic knees did as he pleased! Dean Bailey is cursing his side’s horribly slow starts to games but if they wanted to to get one over Hawthorn, the answer would be easy…take over Tasmania!

Bounced Out In Straight Sets? (Welcome To Septocemia!)

The second week of the finals series is always a fascinating time. Every year we have two sides who were good enough to finish in the top four, but all of a sudden find themselves fighting for survival after missing out on a preliminary final berth and a nice week off. Some clubs are able to bounce back and progress, others fail to recover and exit the finals series in straight sets!

And it has been mind games-a-go-go leading into this weekend’s cut-throat semi finals with all four teams fighting tooth and nail to award themselves underdog status. And then there is all the speculation over who will risk their injured stars in a do-or-die effort to win on the weekend…which drove one network we all know and loathe to new heights (literally) that only a powerful dose of Septocemia could inspire.

Look, it’s a footballer! And he’s standing on some grass! What a scoop!!!

St Kilda’s closed training session was ambushed by the Channel Nine helicopter yesterday, in an effort to show what most of already know anyways – that Luke Ball might play on the weekend…or he might not. What an exclusive!!! The Saints had their bit of fun by trotting out some other guy in Ball’s number 14 jumper, which the network reported with it’s typical disdain for reality, but they would have not been too concerned about the whole thing. Sorry Tony jones…we just don’t give a shit!

And they wonder why most people think Channel Nine are evil…

But the Saints should be more concerned about yesterday’s headline in the Melbourne Age, the one that screamed “I could have won!”. Oh, wait a sec…we just assumed that it was yet another quote from former St Kilda coach Grant Thomas, who seems to have a bit of trouble letting go. But no, it was Peter Costello talking about last year’s federal election! Funny…they both share that same smarmy, off-putting smirk!

Would you trust either of these men with your vote?

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Anyway, we digress…will either of the Dogs or Saints suffer the embarrassment and the inevitable media slaying of being bounced out in straight sets? And will it even matter anyway? We have the AFL equivalent of Roger Federer (Geelong) and Raphael Nadal (Hawthorn) waiting in the wings, preparing for a shot at a grand final berth next weekend. Will any of these four teams playing this weekend have the capacity to shock the football world and knock off a raging hot favourite on preliminary final weekend, like Andy Murray did to Nadal at the US Open last week? Is there a weedy Scotsman amongst this lot that can knock out one of the top seeds and qualify for the big decider?

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FRIDAY NIGHT

Aker may have a better chance of winning the Davis Cup than another premiership cup!

Second Semi Final – MCG, 7:50pm (local): Western Bulldogs v Sydney (SEVEN)

SWANS by 9: After being ‘Franklin’d’ last Friday night, the Dogs have been yapping all week about the things they must do. So, if you read all the reports this week, all they need is a call to arms, to go back to the future, find their own spark, respond better to the heat of finals footy and make a few changes…or not. For if they don’t win, 2008 will be a wasted season…but relax boys, there’s no pressure!

In Sydney, the land that football forgot, the Swans appear to be in a happy place. They romped home last week on the field but also won the fierce battle for underdog status too! They have cast off the ‘spent force’ tag (for one week at least…), are choc-full of self belief and will be drawing inspiration from the great Paul Kelly. We think that Sydney will continue to fly the flag for the interstate clubs and keep the coach smiling..well, he has plenty to smile about right now.

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SATURDAY NIGHT

Plenty of promise but failing to live up to the hype…is Justin Koschitzke the Chris Guccione of the AFL?

First Semi Final – MCG, 7:30pm (local): St Kilda v Collingwood (TEN)

PIES by 19: Mick Malthouse may not be reading too much into St Kilda’s loss last Sunday but he should read plenty into the loss his Mapgies inflicted on them straight after the Shaw-Didak debacle! It looks good for Collingwood – the captain appears ready to go, the coach is wary and the kids are terrific. And with a massive crowd ready to rock the ‘G, it seems that only another bad dose of ‘blockbusteritis’ could prevent the Pies from qualifying for the prelim!

Ross Lyon’s underdogs are hoping to recover from last Sunday’s beat-down and fire up for the Pies. But having been exposed by the Cats, and with serious doubts over the fitness of valuable midfielder Luke Ball, their chances don’t look good. They didn’t handle the increased pressure of finals footy and they have struggled against the Pies in recent times; all this despite being the trendy pick as the best Victorian challenger for quite a few years now. We predict another blown season and no pot’o’gold at the end of Robert Harvey’s rainbow…but it will give them time to prepare for the supposed arrival of Daniel Kerr!

No More Kangas, No More Crows (The Lost Weekend)

The Cats are looking ominous again…even Cam Mooney’s man hugs have a finals like intensity!

And then there were six. Well, there’s definitely one and probably a second…the other four can probably start organising which sex toy they’d prefer to wear on their Mad Monday! Septocemia has hit week one of the finals and claimed both Adelaide and North Melbourne. while two other clubs have a second chance at glory…or at least stringing out their season for another week!

But it all appears to be academic…Geelong are just too freakin’ good it seems! Despite the efforts of many media types to declare St Kilda as some sort of genuine challenger, in particular the notoriously mouthy ex-Saints coach and Nick Riewoldt groupie Grant Thomas, the Saints were lucky to finish fourth in the first place and even luckier that they didn’t lose by 100 points or more as the Cats went through the motions in the final quarter to avoid further injury problems. And the craptacular performance of Riewoldt is living proof that he should be more particular about which male groupies he should spend his time with!

But Hawthorn also progressed to the preliminary final after an equally impressive win and look set for their first grand final appearance since the early nineties. Something bordering on the miraculous would need to happen if any teams other than the Cats and Hawks find themselves in the Grand Final!

Matty Scarlett wishes Robert Harvey a happy retirement…or something like that!

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FRIDAY NIGHT

Alright guys – we have a big final against Hawthorn, our form has faded late in the season (again) and the whole nation is watching us. So tell me…how do we beat the Hawks tonight?

“……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….”

Yep, that’s great…don’t all f@#%&$g speak at once, will ya’s!!!

Second Qualifying Final – Hawthorn 18.19.127 def. Western Bulldogs 11.10.76

The Buddy Show rolls on as Lance Franklin’s eight goals fires Hawthorn past the Western Bulldogs and into a preliminary final. Franklin’s dazzling display again confirmed that he is the only thing standing between Geelong and the silverware but a few of his teammates have some fitness issues ahead of the prelim. Lucky they have an extra week to prepare…

The Doggies, on the other hand, struggled to handle the pressure of finals footy and haven’t been all that impressive late in the season either. So even if they do bounce back against Sydney in the semi finals, what hope do they have against the Cats?

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SATURDAY AFTERNOON

This man just won another final interstate…and is he happy? Course not!

First Elimination Final – Collingwood 19.11.125 def. Adelaide14.10.94

The only result that could be considered an upset occurred on Saturday afternoon when Collingwood escaped from South Australia with a come-from-behind victory. It was yet another interstate triumph for the terminally grumpy Mick Malthouse and talk of a premiership challenge will be flooding out of all those Magpie fans. Awesome…

For Adelaide, their finals campaign was over before it started…or at least before it should have started, which would have been on Sunday in the first verses fourth qualifying final. Instead of a second chance, it is an early exit, plenty of disappointment and a string of harsh post-mortems. Probably lucky they had a record-low finals crowd to experience it all…

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SATURDAY NIGHT

Now that’s a bunch of happy Swans…but has Barry Hall just applied a ‘brain-sucker’ to Jude Bolton???

Second Elimination Final – Sydney 17.8.110 def. North Melbourne11.9.75

Perhaps there is a little life left in Sydney yet! After a tight first half, the inspirational Brett Kirk showed the way to guide the Swans to a solid win over North Melbourne. Leo Barry feels that the criticism of their older players served as motivation to beat the Roos…so he will really look forward to the Melbourne media telling them how shit they are this week!

It’s all over for Shagga Grant!

For Dean Laidley, saying he was disappointed at North’s exit would have to be a massive understatement! As history will show, they blew it in round 22 and were then overrun by a Sydney outfit that are supposedly past it. But Laidley feels they are in better shape now than they were after last year…well, they will suffer one less finals flogging this time around. That has to be a positive…

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SUNDAY

Stephen Milne finally makes an impact in a finals game…if by ‘make an impact’ ,you mean ‘got busted being a sly little prick and gifted Geelong a double-goal’. Top work!!!

First Qualifying Final – Geelong 17.17.119 def. St Kilda 8.13.61

Geelong make mince meat out of St Kilda and now only needs to knock off either the Dogs or Swans in a fortnight to make the grand final. Even the typically reserved Cats coach could not help but express his delight in how well his team played. It wasn’t all great news for the Cats though with Paul Chapman under an injury cloud after leaving the game early and young midfielder Brent Prismall went down with a shocking knee injury.

St Kilda must have felt like legends in their own mind after flogging a weak Essendon side by over 100 points last week but reality just kicked them in the arse! And Ross Lyon couldn’t wait to declare his side as the underdogs for next week’s semi against Collingwood at the post-match press conference….well, he probably started preparing for the Pies at quarter time yesterday!

It’s Buddy Mania! (The Lost Weekend)

Is somebody giving away free stuff? Icy cold cans of Coke, perhaps? Or maybe it’s a scrag-fight! Nope, Buddy has kicked the tonne!!!

Round 22, 2008 brought up a few surprise results and some outstanding performances but it will always be remembered for being about Buddy…and not quite being about Fev! Lance Franklin kicked his 100th goal in the first quarter of Hawthorn’s crushing win against Carlton to send the capacity crowd into a fence-jumping frenzy! See it here…

Brett Ratten was hoping for both players to crack the 100 goal mark on Saturday night but some early nerves in front of goal and late flooding tactics from Hawthorn conspired against the Fev, leaving him stranded on 99 goals. Ratten was far from impressed with the Hawks after the match but perhaps the Blues coach needs to focus on finding someone; anyone; that can help out by becoming a goal kicking threat and stop teams honing in on the Fev.

Poor Fev…

The other major point of interest from Don’t Let The Door Hit Your Arse round was which team would finish in fourth spot and earn the double chance and have the ‘good fortune’ of facing Geelong in the first qualifying final. And for a while, it seemed like a few sides were going out of their way to avoid finishing fourth as Collingwood and then North Melbourne were knocked off by teams in the bottom four.

When Adelaide held on for a thrilling win against the Western Bulldogs, it seemed like they had claimed the top four spot…even though it took cross-town rival Port Adelaide to help them out! But they also appeared to get a little help from a controversial umpiring decision that saw Jason Porplyzia awarded a goal in the final quarter that was clearly rushed for a behind by Jason Akermanis. The incident is being compared to Diego Maradona’s ‘hand of God’; though we should never encourage the use of the term God with Aker as he will, no doubt, take it personally.

Wait, that’s not a foot…it’s an arm. It’s Aker’s arm! Rushed behind…

What are you umps talking about? I touched it!!! See…this is my arm!!!

GOAL??? You’ve gotta be f&@$#%g kidding me!!!

But the media didn’t appear to be studying the AFL ladder that closely as most of them had the Crows preparing for a big clash with Geelong next weekend, only a few recognising the possibility of St Kilda winning the Sunday twilight match by enough points to leapfrog the Crows on percentage. And, sure enough, they pummelled a lightweight Essendon by 108 points and somehow finished fourth! Now the Pies are headed west to Adelaide and the Roos headed north to Sydney for cut-throat finals next week…that sucks dude!

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FRIDAY NIGHT

Great Jeff, you finally played a good game…we are all so very impressed!

• Fremantle end another typically crappy year with another unexpected win and screw over the Magpies in the process…nice! Jeff Farmer showed that he only cares about playing well when his contract is about to run out…perhaps the Dockers should sign him to weekly deals next year! Mick Malthouse is blaming a tough month for the loss…well, there is an even tougher month coming up – it’s called September! Not that Malthouse’s boys will be participating for all four weeks…

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SATURDAY

Big head, big grab! Brett Ebert and friends embarrass North Melbourne.

• Did you think that Collingwood would be the biggest screw-ups of the round after Friday night? Well, the Roos went one better – coughing up a guaranteed double-chance after being flogged by Port Adelaide! No wonder Dean Laidley was so pissed off after the game…and no wonder Josh Carr wants out of Freo and return to the Power!

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Mind you, Worsfold was pretty confident that none of his players were on drugs a couple of years ago…

• Geelong are setting themselves for back-to-back flags after thumping the West Coast Eagles to end the regular season with 21 wins and one solitary loss. Mark Thompson may not be certain whether this current team is better than the one that went all the way last year…but he can save that discussion for after they win the premiership in four week’s time. John Worsfold also has reason for optimism…well, the Eagles won’t lose any more games for at least six months now!

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Doctor Leo Barry attends to teammate Tadhg Kennelly’s shoulder…now he needs to work on the groin of Adam Goodes!

• The Sydney Swans were languishing in eighth spot a week ago and looked to be wasting everyone’s time in September. But thanks to Collingwood and North Melbourne, the Swannies now have a home final! After beating up on the Brisbane Lions, Paul Roos now prepares his mob for a clash with the Kangaroos…but it remains to be seen if his hot head spearhead will be available!

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SUNDAY

This man should be feeling embarrassed after the year he has had…and so should Dean Bailey!

• Richmond are ninth…again! And what better way to celebrate than thrashing an awful Melbourne outfit. Terry Wallace feels that side is well and truly on the way up…but remember that the Tigers are coming off a very, very low base! Speaking of which, the Dees are shithouse and the coach is embarrassed…what took him so long?

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Ever seen players this happy after being flogged by 100 points? At least it won’t happen to them ever again…

• It came as a bit of a surprise and it even looks a little wrong when you study the ladder…but the Saints are fourth! Ross Lyon claims that they were not even thinking about it until late in the match but it was pretty clear that they would win big the moment Nathan Lovett-Murray stood next to Nick Riewoldt at the start of the match. It was an awful way to end the season for the Bombers as they farewelled the inspirational Rama, a couple of club stalwarts…and Mal Michael.